Prosperity Dating and Christian Culture BS

Ok. This may seem harsh, but this instructional dating video made me cringe and laugh about the same amount. After attending a fairly conservative Bible college in my early 20's, I heard this kind of talking all the time. But there are so many loopholes. It can help some and that's good, but again, there are so many loophole in this kind of thinking.

What about the pressure to be the Proverbs 31 woman. A female professor at my conservative Bible School commented to me once, "Proverbs 31 woman is too hard. It's too much to live up to. Forget it." She was joking but also serious. The Proverbs 31 woman may not be what we expect it to be - it has been proposed to be an attempt by the compiler of the proverbs as an esteeming of the role of women in society. Wisdom was the ultimate virtue/characteristic/goal to have in the life of any ANE person but because the ANE was a predominantly patriarchal society, women weren't esteemed in light of the Wisdom traditions. So shen wisdom is personified as a woman early on in Proverbs, it then moves to chapter 31 where wisdom, again personified as a woman, is doing things that men usually did in that society. Then wisdom is perceived as being an egalitarian virtue that is bestowed upon all, male and female. This chapter could actually be a subversive case for the egalitarian evaluation of women in ANE society - a careful move forward for them. The woman is expected to play a role in society that is both fitted to her feminine and maternal role but also on par with the dealings and international business transactions that generally only men dealt in.

The irony in the video is that though the instruction is to focus on God and not focus on the "man of God" - everything she says and gives instructions for is ultimately based on focusing on "the man of God" and making sure you do the right things so that God will bless. There is a high degree of moralism and Cause/Effect spirituality being taught here. Some of the conventional "wisdom" is not wrong necessarily but the entire presentation is basically, "If you do the right things, the right things will happen to you and you'll get what you want." Prosperity Dating anyone?

There are plenty of people who will give accounts where that wasn't what happened. There are those who waited for the perfect person and "true love waits" promises. Now, their sex life is in disrepair or they eventually got divorced or they can talk a good talk but their ability to be honest with themselves is diminishing daily because they can't keep the facade and reality glued together anymore. This girl's line of thinking is quite dangerous, superficial and extremely self-righteous. Where is the topic of brokenness, forgiveness and the desire to love the bad as much as the good. What about the commitment to be honest about your past issues that will continue to plague aspects of your marriage? The greater one's expectations, the greater the fall when they are not met. This kind of let down, disappointment or disaster can actually end marriages, or end the intimacy because one partner is not getting what they "deserve" based upon their "list" or "godly expectations." Love is something so different from that, something so much more real and visceral and kind. That's the kind of relationship advice that I would like to hear given to young people and will give. There is so much pressure to perform in this video.

Regardless, I have a ton of problems with this line of thinking and propogating a culture of perfection and unrealistic expectations. Why not have high expectations? There is a difference between having standards, growing in maturity vs. having high expectations.

Many college students are looking to their mate to play a role in their life that their father or mother have played historically. The girls in the situation seem to want a "spiritual leader" to make up for their lack of their own commitment to grow up and take responsibility for their own relationship to God. A relationship with the Creator is a rich experience to share together as partners not an expectation to receive from one's spouse.

Many young guys are just figuring life out when they get married. The point isn't to look for someone who "is" a spiritual leader, but someone who wants to grow spiritually and shows signs of a desire to know God on their own. This fellow will probably still screw up and at times royally and maybe continuously, so we need to understand that he isn't a spiritual leader, he is a follower of Christ just like the girl. He needs space to grow just like the girls do. Over time, he will learn what it means to be spiritually sensitive, responsible, gracious, patient, etc... and so will the girl, but to expect him to achieve something on her behalf like "spiritual leadership" prior to marriage sounds more like shifting responsibility for one's own insecurities in their relationship with God.

Either way, the hope that is based in a human relationship should never be placed in the salvific, righteous or messianic characteristics of the individual one is desiring to marry. That is something to look for only in God. Let them be who they are and if that isn't good enough to be around, then maybe you're not the right person for them rather than vice versa. If who they actually are isn't good enough or who you think they should be isn't there yet but could be, then just stay away. You need time to figure out what it means to live in the reality of a broken world for a bit more and they need some that will love them as they are.

The other side of this is that there are some real scumbags out there - but generally - if your eyes are open, they are not that hard to spot.

Loneliness and the desire to be married are strong forces in our culture. How one goes about dealing with those forces in your own life is a difficult path to walk. Advice is the plenty but here goes a bit more. Don't short-change yourself but also don't short-change what it means to be human, a broken and redeemed human. We don't deserve grace and we don't deserve love, we just long for them but they don't come exclusive of each other when they arrive. When and if a list is made, make sure you put somewhere on there, that you want to love them and give them grace like you want to be loved and be given grace and have been loved and given grace by God. That should help to create and filter the great characteristics that you're looking for. One more item - if the majority of your list is made up of moral qualities rather than hobbies, dreams, personality traits and shared experiences, then you're probably not going to satisfy that list very easily. Let that person live, let them breathe and make space for them to be themselves on your list, and then look to enjoy who that person is, who they are becoming and who they will become as you share in that becoming with them. You'll enjoy life with them a lot more and be able to enjoy them a lot more.