Journal Entry: I wonder how many of them are like me?

April 9th, 2011

This past week has been really unsettling for me. I have love every moment of it because I have been working with the students in our O.T. class on their exegetical paper for the class. They have to pick a passage and then write a 10-14 page exegetical paper on it. As they have searched out different passages, I have had numerous interactions with them about their topic, how to write the paper, how to research and what research tools to use. It has been a very rewarding experience.

As a result, I have encountered different types of students who are engaging the process on different levels with different degrees of intensity and intention. It has been incredible to see some of them do so well with their work and disappointing to see others slack while others struggle through the project, causing me to experience frustration alongside them. I have been reminded of my first two years of college and how I interacted with the material and professors. I was not a good student by any means but I believe that a lot of that came from the fact that I wasn't ready or mature enough to engage the work and to do so with the sophistication that I needed. It probably had a lot to do with the fact that I was young, like girls and felt like I was in summer camp year round.  It has to be true that I received a lot of grace during those two years and you can be sure that I am thankful for it.

After my sophomore year, I went home for two years and had a chance to start a youth ministry that ended up being very successful, though I would define success differently today. Nonetheless, many of the youth came to Christ with their hearts while some were moved closer. It was a great period of growth as well - a time that I needed in order to mature.

After returning to school in my junior year I began to experience a hunger for learning and a capacity for it that I had never experienced before. It was amazing to see what kinds of things I could do that I had never had the love for recently. As a freshman, much of my success in classes was attributed to fear - fear of failure, of what my professor would think of me, of how other students would perceive me and of what my family would think of me - but most importantly, I worried what God would think of me. After awhile, I lost that fear and it became unnecessary and unfulfilling. Ultimately, I couldn't be motivated by it anymore and was losing a grip on my schooling. I actually became very motivated to do work for money and had started my own business while working for another company. I was making decent money and was very motivated in that work. This is when I left and I'm thankful that I did, because I don't know if I would have done that well in college after that - but who knows.

Half way through my first semester back at school, I began to be incredibly motivated to learn, read and interact like I had never done before. It was like a switch had turned on inside of me. I don't know what happened but I knew that I was hungry and had a capacity for learning that was never there before and it was fun. I dove into a Church History major, coming just short of threatening the registrar who almost didn't let me switch majors.  I couldn't get enough of what I was learning - I loved it.  I graduated and immediately went to grad school because I wasn't done. When asked about why I was going to grad school - that was literally my answer - I can't stop because I'm not done. I wasn't done having fun. I loved my first semester there as well and I realized how much I loved being in school. Now - 7 years later and a month away from graduation, I'm still enjoying the learning process immensely and still don't want to stop.

When I look at the students I'm working with and think about what they are going through, I wonder sometimes which of them were like me. How many of them really do love learning but just haven't found out yet? How many of them will be great students and scholars but are sitting in their seats cruising facebook because they're bored with class, with life or just motivated to do something else and motivated by something else that they are actually really good at? How many of them are still struggling with fear as their primary motivation, and while I praise them for their great work, they're dying inside because they can't find a safe place to fail.  I wonder when they will find God and his favor.  I mean really discover it - the kind of favor that one experiences once the fear gives way, and though it seems to leave them hopeless and unmotivated, they have really been set free.    

I wonder how many of them are like me?