Marriages are Never Meant to Last...

I look through the window of our apartment and see students from our university passing by everyday, wondering what they are thinking, if they are thinking or are just on autopilot.  Having walked back and forth from their dorm to class has created a groove in the sidewalk for them that, once they hook into it, they follow assuming it will lead them back to their dorm room.

Many of us have walked, rode or even drove ourselves somewhere, not remembering the journey there because it is so second nature.  I usually thank someone, usually God, for letting me get to my destination and then other times, I just shrug and sigh some relief.

Driving down the road in autopilot once, a sudden jolt brought me back to life as some unidentified object on the road was immediately in front of me causing me to automatically swerve and redirect my path.  From that moment on I was all nerves.  I finished my journey with both hands gripped tightly to the wheel on the brink of either an anxiety attack or cardiac arrest.

My commitment to another person can consist of autopilot.  I don't want the unidentified object in the freeway to jolt me from this redundancy but sometimes it just seems necessary.  I have too many people that I know all too well going through rigorous and trying times in their relationships.  Was it the default setting that got them there, is it life because life is just tough, was it malevolence and selfishness left unchecked?  What was it?  I don't know.

The other night a friend of mine had a ceremony take place because of his recent engagement.  The gist is that he and his friends gather around a bell tower with a pole to the ground.  Men gather around him and ask questions regarding his engagement and other pertinent information.  The design is to give the horde a chance to yell and cajole him into telling more though the fun is always checked by respect and celebration.  After the raucous, his fiance comes from her much more tame session with the girls (where they pass a candle to ask questions) and comes to him so that he can finally climb the pole and ring the prized bell to announce his love to this woman.  All others gather around and cheer him on as he climbs.  The problem is that few ever make it to the bell without some help.

This evening, our groom-to-be was really struggling, as many do.  The on-lookers roused a thunder like roar to usher him up but our famed hero was just not going to make it.  Immediately, a friend was on the shoulder of another friend and then another until they had three levels of support to hoist him up this infamous climb to ring the bell.  Finally he was there, the bell was wrung and down he came to kiss his prize - upon which followed a shove off into the lake, arranged by his closest friends - of course.

As I watched the men come around him, I couldn't help but escape into my own thoughts or all those struggling in their marriages?  Was it because they didn't have the help they needed?  Was it because they didn't have 1st, 2nd or even 3rd level of support that brings them to the top to ring their bell?  Do I stand by and watch them struggle up the pole, critiquing their mistakes like an armchair coaching staff?  When they come back down for another try, do I stand by or just walk away on account of my own hopeful exhaustion?

My heart swelled with gratitude as when at last the third level of support went up and the bell-ringer was able to ascend unabated to the top.  I at once was thankful for the friends, the men, women and families that have supported me through tough times, through bumps in my marriage, through paths on the journey where selfishness didn't seem so wrong.

And then I remembered what it was like when they weren't there, when I had lost what was more than dear to me, when I knew that not even my worst enemy should experience that sort of loneliness and loss and that saying that wasn't a cliche.  As he rung the bell, exhausted and worn out by the climb my heart knew - Marriages are never meant to last...never meant to last in autopilot.