In a conversation with Phil Nellis (www.elnellis.blogspot.com) we chatted about wanting to have our own place versus having a place to share with another family. I really began to understand that having your own place and being independent is where I'm at right now. I'm living with my aunt and uncle which is awesome and a blessing, but there is an underlying desire to move out and have my own space. I saw my sister go through this and many others. It's like we just want a place that we call the shots and that we're responsible for ultimately, without strings attached. That is the desire of a lot of people. It is not a wrong desire but after listening to Phil, who has had his own place for a long time, he longed for a bigger backyard for his son, more space for his family and their interests, a better cell signal, etc... and so they are thinking of getting a house together with another family that has the same desires. What an interesting move. I'm definitely not there but as Phil described why, it began to make sense and I agreed with the whole concept.
We finally distilled it down to a three part movement, dependence, independence and interdependence. If interdependence is the goal, there is a need then to move through these movements but at the same time, there is no need to skip them or move quickly through them. It seems that at the beginning of our lives, we do need an environment that we can depend upon someone else to substantiate and account for - some paternalism and maternalism to get us started.
Then we need a time of independence and establishing our castle walls. This seems to be a time of leaving in order to embrace one's own identity, values, boundaries, life goals and direction, etc... These things need the time and space that they require in order to be established and so there needs to be some time given to allowing that process to work out. The paternalistic and maternalistic structures that birthed the genesis of one's identity need to step back almost radically yet incrementally while the transition and overlap takes place between the two stages of dependence and independence. We need to leave the table in order to find our own table for a time, but the next transition is as important and needed - interdependence.
Moving from Independence to Interdependence is the direction that we all need to take eventually if we are to take the leap into life's dreams and goals because there are many more pieces of the puzzle than ours to fit together in order for the big picture to be seen and accomplished. This stage could well describe the idea behind mutual submission in one's spousal relationship. You bring yourself with your table to that person's self with their table and begin to fit your tables together to see if they fit, then if they do, you cut dovetail joints and glue them together and put a white table cloth overtop to form one table. This process can also take place with married couples and other married couples as Phil and Ruth are doing. They are interdependently sharing space with another family to benefit the whole experience but not in a way that loses their identity to another or challenges their values - they are seeing if their table could fit for a time with another couple's table and then they 'push' them together and put a table cloth over for a time, but not indefinitely, just a time of interdependence. It's beautiful.
I believe this process describes the history of denominationalism, countries, families, friendships, organizations, companies, etc...
Just because it has always been done a certain way, doesn't mean that it has to be done a certain way,
I heard a quote given by a Jewish Rabbi (I think) name Mordecai Kaplin - "Tradition should have a vote, but not a veto."
I like it, but what is tradition, only the living faith of the dead. So what is wrong with tradition - nothing, but traditionalism, that is, the dead faith of the living, has many problems. Let it go and move on and know you're blessed and will be blessed again.
Questions for Dependence, Independence and Interdependence:
1. What creates the need for each step?
2. What creates the need to emerge from each step?
3. How does that happen?
4. Why should it happen?
